No Good For Me
by Lanthanon
Summary: A story about Enil El, her personal thoughts before she left the Freeden in Estardo.


For some reason, whenever I hear this song, it reminded me of Enil's situation. And looking at the lyrics, you could see why. This may look like a songfic, but it isn't. It's more of an inspiration and I felt necessary to add the song in the story. "No Good For Me" belongs to the Corrs and Enil belongs to Gundam X, Sunrise, Bandai and Tomino.   

**No Good for Me**

The Corrs  
  


  
  
_I see a home in a quiet place  
I see myself in a strong embrace  
I feel protection from the human race  
It's not parental  
  
But it's a fantasy, not a reality  
And it's good, no, no good for me, you have no idea  
  
That I'm walking through the clouds  
When you're looking at me  
I'm feeling like a child  
Vulnerability  
I am shaking like a leaf if you move beside me  
And you're all that I see  
But it's no good for me  
  
You have a home in a quiet place  
And someone else feels your strong embrace  
She is protected and she needs no chase  
And do you love her?  
  
You're a mystery, you are the heart of intrigue  
You're no good no, no good for me  
You have no idea  
  
That I'm walking through the clouds  
When you're looking at me  
I'm feeling like a child  
Vulnerability  
I am shaking like a leaf if you move beside me  
And you're all that I see  
But it's no good for me  
No it's no good for me, no good for me  
  
It's a make-believe, you have no idea  
That I'm walking through the clouds  
When you're looking at me  
I'm feeling like a child  
Vulnerability  
I am shaking like a leaf if you move close to me  
And you're all that I see  
But it's no good for me  
Through the clouds  
When you're looking at me  
I'm feeling like a child  
Vulnerability  
I am shaking like a leaf if you move close to me  
And you're all that I see  
But it's no good for me_

-----

Enil El was walking away from the Freeden, her small bag containing her spare clothes, money and personal belongings strapped over her shoulder. Deep down, she knew that it was wrong of her to leave Tonya behind without a proper farewell. But she felt that as soon as she had removed her presence from that place, the easier for her to leave. She could not bear to stay there much longer, despite that she found herself being attached to them.

Of all the years that she had been an orphan, Enil had lived a reckless life. She felt empty at first, a cold uncompromising sense of loneliness and desolation ever since her father died and left her. She survived from the war and grew up alone. In order to fight against that loss and emptiness in her heart, she decided to live in the fullest; accomplishing death-defying jobs that astounds even the staunchest of Vultures. Adrenalin became her crutch, excitement for defying death, and that it had somehow eased her heart a bit.

But she was alone.

And then she met him. It was odd at first; a young, beautiful eighteen-year-old woman like herself was falling in love with a boy who was three years younger than she was. But she felt connected to him somehow: from the picture, to their duel in the abandoned power plant to their "date" in the bar after his auction. And then he had said it himself: the words that were haunting her in the past. That he had no home to return to. That there was no one who was waiting for him to return.

Just like she was.

She felt that he understood. And that he must have also realized what it had felt like, living in solitude all this time. She had thought that he also feels it. This sense of being alone.

"It is lonely to be by yourself." She had said to him that very night. He did not trust her that time and had threatened to shoot her if she gets too close. That it had been their undoing. Enil longed a sincere companionship, but he answered by pulling the trigger. She was surprised at first that he would dare shoot her. But the words that cut her were probably worse than his action.

"Next time, I will shoot you for real! NOW GET OUT!!!" He had shouted at her

He did not understand after all. She had been wrong from the start.

For the first time in her life she had been denied, and had been greatly humiliated.

And she could never forgive him for that.

For a time, she had plotted a way to have her revenge. She wanted him: dead or alive. But from circumstances she cannot control, he had somehow managed to get away unscathed. With allies lost against the Vultures the boy stays with, she wandered aimlessly about. Until she settled in Saint Island. She actually lived there in a peaceful life, and found herself wondering if this was the time to stay here for good. But her heart still felt restless.

By some twist of fate she met Tonya Malme, one of the bridge members of the Freeden, whom she developed a strong bond of friendship with. Tonya sympathized with Enil's situation, but told her that the best way to be happy is to live with herself, and not be dependent with a man too much. A woman's choice, Tonya said, whether for good or for ill, is her own.

Had she depended on that boy too much? Enil thought. Before she had hated him with all her heart, but now she felt confused.

But then she had finally understood as she was staying in the Freeden for a few weeks after their adventures in Zonda Epta. The boy did not do what she thought he did out of thoughtlessness. She finally realized why he did not understand.

His heart was already taken.

She could only watch as he and the girl…Tifa was her name…visit places together, always side by side. She could tell that they had enjoyed each other's company. And that they shared the bond that she wanted all her life. And she was envious of the girl, for she had been very lucky.

And that is also why she wanted to go. She has no place in his heart, even if she stayed. She also wanted to be alone to think and sort her feelings. But as she left the Freeden, she no longer felt the hatred or ill will towards the boy like before. She feels ashamed, though, and wondered if the boy had forgiven _her. _

"Goodbye, boy, I hope for the best."  Enil said, looking back. And realized that she had not left the Freeden unnoticed. Tifa was staring at her from her room's window. Enil could have sworn she saw sympathy in her huge expressive eyes, but made no move to call out.  As if she had understood what it was in her heart.

Enil knew her power. But she was glad that the girl was kind enough to let her go. Perhaps this is the reason why the boy loved her in the first place.

Without words, Enil walked away and didn't look back. 

And she was glad she made that choice.

----


End file.
